i want to do everything right now and not one at a time but all at once and when i do them you will not have to lean close because i do them LOUD VERY LOUD everything i do is LOUD VERY LOUDLY LOUDER when you're looking and if you're not i will make you look because i am LOUD VERY LOUD ALL THE TIME SCREAMING LOUD BECAUSE LOUD IS FUNNY AND QUIET MAY BE MORE TALENTED BUT NO ONE IS LOOKING OVER THERE AND MAYBE IF I LOUD EVEN LOUDER NO ONE WILL KNOW THAT I EXIST WHEN I AM QUIET.
i tick real quiet in a fold between a pillow and the wall in a pinch curled ball-tight like fetus fists where sometimes little drops pinch their way out between tight shut clichés without visible evidence or excuse when whoop there you are but there's no words. how quiet can i be let's see if you can make me stop talking and you'll never get the inflection right because it's all one sentence to you but from where i'm sitting it's many loud distinct phrases and patterns i will make you love me in the loud i bet you don't even believe that i know how to be quiet, do you?
SO LOUD IS WORKING WELL VARIETY FEW AND FAR BETWEEN BUT LOUD LOUD LOUDER YOU LIKE LOUD RIGHT YEAH YEAH YEAH YOU DO IT MAKES YOU LAUGH SO TOGETHER WE DROWN OUT THE PEOPLE WHO FIND IT GRATING AND WE DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER DO WE?
11 July 2009
09 July 2009
sensitive to potential hidden motives regarding the desire of my presence ever since
"we've decided you can play with us if you bring your Crocodile Mile."
-toni mann & tiffany faust. to me, in my front yard, circa 1994.
we want YOU to join the border patrol!
for those of you legals searching for employment (and i know there are many), here's a job that it would be unpatriotic to ignore:
although it might be too beautiful outside. maybe i'll bike to Hyde Park instead.
* * * * *
Border Patrol Agent Jobs - Northern Border - Homeland Security
Reply to: (see message body)i'm gonna go mail some HS/Rs at the crackhead post office now. and then maybe go see Public Enemies at the Davis. is it good? have you seen it?
Date: 2009-07-09, 8:06AM
Consider becoming a Border Patrol Agent with U.S. Customs and Border Protection. You'll defend the homeland from terrorists, contraband, and illegal entry.
As a Border Patrol Agent you'll have a secure Federal job where you'll earn salary plus overtime, paid academy training, Federal benefits, accelerated promotions, and accelerated Federal law enforcement retirement.
Read the Minimum Requirements below and then if you are ready to find out how to apply or contact your local recruiter, visit http://www.BorderPatrolRecruiter.com/border_patrol_recruiter/. If you want to learn more about the job and working for Border Patrol, visit: http://www.BorderPatrolRecruiter.com
Border Patrol Agent Jobs
An entry-level Border Patrol Agent assists higher-graded Agents in a variety of patrol activities which may include sign cutting, farm and ranch check, traffic check, transportation check, city patrol, boat patrol, crewman control, international boundary security operations, and any other tasks consistent with Border Patrol operations. Through leads, personal observation of persons, and other means, detects individuals suspected of violating immigration laws. Questions such persons and inspects their documents to determine citizenship or alien status, using the Spanish language as needed to communicate. Searches for persons in vehicles, buildings, and outdoor areas. Observes and interprets physical signs of illegal entry into the country. Apprehends and searches violators; questions them and others involved, such as witnesses. Recommends to team leader or to supervisor that suspect be held for further questioning or immediately returned to country of origin. Writes reports concerning apprehensions, interrogations, and other activities relevant to law enforcement. Receives continuing on-the-job training in more complex areas of Border Patrol work, such as, the proper use of sensor systems to apprehend illegal entrants, in interrogation techniques, and in the interpretation of intelligence information that has been accumulated.
Minimum Requirements - Please Read First
There are some key requirements and things you should know about the Border Patrol Agent job.
Citizenship/Residency:
You must be a US citizen (no exceptions) You also must have lived in the US (or served in the military) for the past 3 years (some exceptions).
Age Requirement:
You must be under 40 years old or meet an exception. In accordance with Public Law 100-238, this position is covered under law enforcement retirement provisions. Candidates must be referred for selection before reaching their 40th birthday unless they presently or have previously served in a Federal civilian law enforcement retirement-covered position.
Geographic Preference:
You are allowed to state a preference as to where you want to work, but positions are offered based on where funded positions are available. There is no guarantee you'll be offered your preferred location. Border Patrol is currently only accepting applications for the Northern border. All initial assignments are on the Southwest border. You'll first work for 15 months on the Southern border before being transferred back to your Northern border duty station.
Education/Experience:
At a minimum, you must have either a) 4 years of post-high school education, or b) a bachelors degree, or c) work experience as described below, or d) some combination of schooling and experience. Work experience must demonstrate the ability to do all three of the following: 1) Take charge, make sound decisions, and maintain composure in stressful situations; 2) Learn law enforcement regulations, methods and techniques through classroom training and/or on-the-job instruction; 3) Gather factual information through questioning, observation, and examination of documents and records. Anybody can apply, but this job is particularly suited to people with an interest in police, law enforcement, and security guard work.
Firearms:
You must be legally allowed to possess a firearm and ammunition. This means you may not be a felon or ever have been convicted of misdemeanor domestic violence.
Location: Northern/Southern US Border
Compensation: $37,953.00 to $48,179.00 with potential over $70k in 3 years
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
Original URL: http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/gov/1260945622.html* * * * *
although it might be too beautiful outside. maybe i'll bike to Hyde Park instead.
08 July 2009
i will not log into facebook (breathe. repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. breathe)
is this how drug addicts feel at 1:30 on the wednesday cusp of a tuesday?
hell no, i won't go
where the friends are pretend and i feel obligated to say yes to things i've never liked and things i'd rather not. your status, while clever, too calculated. my curiosity, while sneaky, equally guilty. if you don't want to talk to me outside, i don't need to hear from you there.
facebook is ghosts. and desperate. and open permission to stalk.
i would only be engaged in the stalking. it would make me feel fat. and underachieved.
mostly fat with an unglamorous face.
i don't need that in my bed at 1:30am. i get enough of it in the bathroom.
damn you, los arcos!
hell no, i won't go
where the friends are pretend and i feel obligated to say yes to things i've never liked and things i'd rather not. your status, while clever, too calculated. my curiosity, while sneaky, equally guilty. if you don't want to talk to me outside, i don't need to hear from you there.
facebook is ghosts. and desperate. and open permission to stalk.
i would only be engaged in the stalking. it would make me feel fat. and underachieved.
mostly fat with an unglamorous face.
i don't need that in my bed at 1:30am. i get enough of it in the bathroom.
damn you, los arcos!
07 July 2009
keeping it all for yourself
if you log onto the Danger Mouse website and try to buy this album with the companion book of photographs by David Lynch, a message informs you:"This limited edition art book contains 100+ pages of original photographs by celebrated film director David Lynch. Only 5000 copies have been printed and each one is hand numbered. The book will also come with a 24" X 36" poster as well as a custom designed CD-R (poster comes folded). Please note: Due to an ongoing dispute with EMI, Danger Mouse is unable to include music on the CD without fear of legal entanglement. Therefore, he has included a blank CD-R as an artifact to use however you see fit."
you can stream this album from the NPR website as one of their "exclusive first listen" selections. it appears that EMI is still miffed after Danger's Jay-Z/Beatles mash-up masterpiece "The Grey Album" sampled the classic rock icons.
the album is incredible. there is currently an exhibition of the photographs and music at the Michael Kohn Gallery in L.A. running for four more days. maybe after it closes, David Lynch will figure out some way to outsmart the record company and create a video that incorporates the music so we can all see this. i love when popular artists collaborate like this, and it's a crime that some tic-tac dick in a swivel chair who's probably never paid any significant attention to the project brought down the hammer so swiftly.
congrats to the artists for trying anyway, and for presumably working on leaking their own album so that we can eventually manually burn it to the blank CD-R.
06 July 2009
i rode the back on lakeshore and now i know why it scares me
the helmet didn't fit awesome. i ganked it from the theater. it has glow tape on it, though, which is good.
i didn't think to bring sunglasses to cover my eyes because it's dark outside, so the faster we went drew tears sideways off my face. even a little snot.
i got scared a lot. i usually do when i ride them. i settle in after awhile, but every time we get to a stoplight and i relax for a moment, i can feel the giant knot of tension seep out of my back where the muscles are now sore.
because i don't and probably never will know how to drive one, i have to sit on the back while someone else does it. i don't get to control it. i don't know how to control it. and so i'm pretty sure i will die on it.
i don't mind dying on it, or dying under any other circumstances else, really. i'm rather indifferent to the possibility. in the end, i'm the only one on whom it has absolutely no effect. so i don't fear the risk, rather, i fear the process. i'd prefer that it didn't hurt, that it be instantaneous. DOA. i don't want anything mangled or disfigured, rendered useless or showing the physiological equivalent of having been run backwards through a meat grinder. call me a coward, but i don't know how i would stand up to the test of physical rehabilitation, fighting to attain a quality of life that is less than my former self. i also now fear that, in saying that, i've cursed myself to a fated accident of one form or another. i admire those who have overcome odds and fought their way back from the brink, but i can't even make myself go running every day. i'm just not a good candidate for tragedy.
pull.
the.
plug.
it shames me to think how much time and energy i put into feeling shitty about things. i do not praise myself for a single thing. i do not graciously accept praise from others for any longer than it takes me to turn it sour. i motivate myself with hateful, scornful threats and only accept claims of love with an unwashed spoonful of salt. to expect the worst makes one a pessimist, yes? but what if one uses pessimism solely to lower the standards for potential optimism? don't these crafty tactics conspire to make the author a roundabout optimist?
closest to me, i have tremendous peoples. there is a coleman lamp flickering the cavernous reaches of my doubtful soul that says you love me, that you would care if i flew off the back of a motorcycle on lakeshore, if i fishtailed into wet traffic while riding my bike without a helmet, got hung under a negligent bus while running across on the blinking red hand. believe me when i say that i am grateful you, people, even when i don't return your phone calls like i should. thank you for my super creative job that came less than one month after finishing college. for my apartment with so many windows and free street parking. for the bed i am about to collapse into because i am so tired that i'm hallucinating.
for the job interview tomorrow...
i didn't think to bring sunglasses to cover my eyes because it's dark outside, so the faster we went drew tears sideways off my face. even a little snot.
i got scared a lot. i usually do when i ride them. i settle in after awhile, but every time we get to a stoplight and i relax for a moment, i can feel the giant knot of tension seep out of my back where the muscles are now sore.
because i don't and probably never will know how to drive one, i have to sit on the back while someone else does it. i don't get to control it. i don't know how to control it. and so i'm pretty sure i will die on it.
i don't mind dying on it, or dying under any other circumstances else, really. i'm rather indifferent to the possibility. in the end, i'm the only one on whom it has absolutely no effect. so i don't fear the risk, rather, i fear the process. i'd prefer that it didn't hurt, that it be instantaneous. DOA. i don't want anything mangled or disfigured, rendered useless or showing the physiological equivalent of having been run backwards through a meat grinder. call me a coward, but i don't know how i would stand up to the test of physical rehabilitation, fighting to attain a quality of life that is less than my former self. i also now fear that, in saying that, i've cursed myself to a fated accident of one form or another. i admire those who have overcome odds and fought their way back from the brink, but i can't even make myself go running every day. i'm just not a good candidate for tragedy.
pull.
the.
plug.
it shames me to think how much time and energy i put into feeling shitty about things. i do not praise myself for a single thing. i do not graciously accept praise from others for any longer than it takes me to turn it sour. i motivate myself with hateful, scornful threats and only accept claims of love with an unwashed spoonful of salt. to expect the worst makes one a pessimist, yes? but what if one uses pessimism solely to lower the standards for potential optimism? don't these crafty tactics conspire to make the author a roundabout optimist?
closest to me, i have tremendous peoples. there is a coleman lamp flickering the cavernous reaches of my doubtful soul that says you love me, that you would care if i flew off the back of a motorcycle on lakeshore, if i fishtailed into wet traffic while riding my bike without a helmet, got hung under a negligent bus while running across on the blinking red hand. believe me when i say that i am grateful you, people, even when i don't return your phone calls like i should. thank you for my super creative job that came less than one month after finishing college. for my apartment with so many windows and free street parking. for the bed i am about to collapse into because i am so tired that i'm hallucinating.
for the job interview tomorrow...
my new(???) box of cereal
last night we had a good show, so afterwards i went to jewel. not entirely because we had a good show. also partly because i've needed to go for over a month now and something about being appreciated by a sold-out house (on a sunday, no less!) gave me the all the consent i needed to feel worthy of indulging myself some groceries.
forever the cereal junkie, i purchased a box of Kashi Honey Almond Flax GoLean Crunch! the front of the box says it has 500 milligrams of Omega-3 proteins, 9 grams of protein, and 8 grams of fiber per serving. the back of the box promotes Kashi's new frozen entrées, that have actually been out for awhile now. the ad is adorned with a snowflake theme.
it is the 6th of July. we have not had snowflakes for some months now. we have not had snowflakes consistently enough for them to warrant a snowflake theme in some more months than that. given the color scheme, i would estimate that this box of cereal was manufactured sometime in the January/February range.
i suppose it's entirely possible for the blue snowflake theme to have more to do with the entrées being frozen and less to do with the season in which the cereal is currently being sold. should this be the case, someone should give a stern talking to the intern who designed such a befuddling advertisement. don't worry, kid. i've used inDesign before. i know how much easier it is to use the snowflake stamp than to create your own original digital art. actually, i think you have to do that in Illustrator and then transfer it to inDesign, which means you have to figure out TWO Adobe programs instead of just one. so don't worry. i don't think you're an idiot, exactly. but maybe you could have used the star stamp instead, or downloaded a stamp that looked like a beach ball or a surfboard. maybe you could have gone with red, white, & blue. for me, you know? so i don't have to sit at the dining room table at 11am on a monday when everyone else is at work (well, some of the people i know) and wonder if my cereal has been sitting on the shelf for six months before i bought it.
it tasted fresh, at any rate.
à la plage!
forever the cereal junkie, i purchased a box of Kashi Honey Almond Flax GoLean Crunch! the front of the box says it has 500 milligrams of Omega-3 proteins, 9 grams of protein, and 8 grams of fiber per serving. the back of the box promotes Kashi's new frozen entrées, that have actually been out for awhile now. the ad is adorned with a snowflake theme.
it is the 6th of July. we have not had snowflakes for some months now. we have not had snowflakes consistently enough for them to warrant a snowflake theme in some more months than that. given the color scheme, i would estimate that this box of cereal was manufactured sometime in the January/February range.
i suppose it's entirely possible for the blue snowflake theme to have more to do with the entrées being frozen and less to do with the season in which the cereal is currently being sold. should this be the case, someone should give a stern talking to the intern who designed such a befuddling advertisement. don't worry, kid. i've used inDesign before. i know how much easier it is to use the snowflake stamp than to create your own original digital art. actually, i think you have to do that in Illustrator and then transfer it to inDesign, which means you have to figure out TWO Adobe programs instead of just one. so don't worry. i don't think you're an idiot, exactly. but maybe you could have used the star stamp instead, or downloaded a stamp that looked like a beach ball or a surfboard. maybe you could have gone with red, white, & blue. for me, you know? so i don't have to sit at the dining room table at 11am on a monday when everyone else is at work (well, some of the people i know) and wonder if my cereal has been sitting on the shelf for six months before i bought it.
it tasted fresh, at any rate.
à la plage!
potentially pregnant women are freaks
this exists on the internet for women who are trying to get pregnant and can't stop thinking about trying to get pregnant. it's called "14 things to do when 14 days seems like forever." it is neurotic. women who write or prescribe to this type of behavior are not fit to be mothers. not yet. if you hover over your baby like you hover over your menstrual cycle, your baby will probably never excel at sports nor will he excel at most things that will make him popular with the other youngsters*.
1. Take a walk around your neighborhood and figure out what will be the best route for strolls with the baby. Find areas with nice pavements and easy curbs. Go ahead and daydream. But do NOT buy a stroller for the dog.
2. Clean out your wardrobe to make room for the maternity stuff you’ll be buying soon. Try on anything you haven’t worn for six months. Yes, if you wish, you may put a pillow in your undies to see what will work as maternity wear. But taking a picture of yourself like that is going too far.
3. Start a journal. Write down everything you’re feeling. It will be a great opening chapter for your child’s baby book. If you can’t put your feelings into words, draw something; try to create a symbol that expresses the frustration you’re feeling. Don’t get that symbol tattooed on your ankle.
4. Plant a hope garden. Or a hope rosebush. Or a hope citrus tree. You want to grow something inside of you, well start by growing something outside of you. Nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. But do not send out birth announcements.
5. Get better at photography. Really learn how to work all the buttons and settings on your camera. Experiment! If you have a digital camera, get all the downloading and editing stuff worked out. You will be well prepared once you have a baby, and will be able to get some great shots and get them emailed to your family before the child’s graduation. Do not take photos of your cervical mucous, even if Toni Weschler begs you.
6. Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone – they are in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you’ve ever addressed. Yes that’s right, go ahead and talk to them. Put your hands on your stomach and tell them how much you respect them. Make your best argument in favor of a baby, and then let them decide. It’s out of your hands. Addressing the committee within earshot of normal people is not recommended.
7. Paint your toenails. Imagine how difficult this will be when you are pregnant. Go shopping for the perfect pink and blue nail polish in preparation for a celebration polish. Alternating colors on the day you find out you’re pregnant, or a single color for the day you find out the baby’s sex. Don’t be tempted to paint a cycle day countdown on your big toes.
8. Make a cup of herbal tea. It is a nice ritual: boiling the water, adding the tea leaves, pouring into a nice china cup, adding some milk or sugar, sipping peacefully. Ahhhh. There’s nothing that a nice cup of tea won’t help. Yeah right. Well it does kill a little bit of time.
9. Swim laps. Think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. Imagine that you are a sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO, GO, GO! Don’t wear a tail or anything. Just imagine it quietly.
10. Make lists. List all the people you will tell when you get pregnant, and in what order. List all the little jobs you need to get done instead of obsessing about this 2WW! List all the healthy activities you intend to do this week. List all the girl and boy names you like. Lists are helpful for all sorts of things, most of all for passing time rather than actually doing something.
11. Create a fertility dance. Choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine as a prayer to the universe for the growth of an embryo. Move your hips, rotate your belly, let your arms flow – but close the curtains.
12. Prepare a folic acid feast. Cream of broccoli soup as an entree, followed by spinach lasagne, enriched whole grain garlic bread and frozen orange juice sorbet for dessert. Dedicate the meal to your baby-to-be. Just don’t set a highchair at the table in his or her honor.
13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think, wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report to you if they had any “symptoms,” such as sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue… you will be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.
14. Write a list of 14 things to do during the Two-Week Wait and post it to the internet. For me, this killed nearly 3 hours. Now what? I’ve still got 9 days to go? Aaaarrgrhhhh.
--------------
MEA CULPAS:
*some women suffer from relentless fertility problems that make them hyper-vigilant when it comes to sperm meeting egg. i don't think this was written for them. the website i got it from did not suggest such a thing and so i'd prefer to think that my insensitivity is directed entirely towards the nutballs women and not the snagglewombed**
**that was not meant to be insensitive either. the word "snagglewombed" just popped into my head and i didn't know when i'd ever have another opportunity to use a word like "snagglewombed," so i took a chance.
14 things to do when 14 days seems like forever
by lynn steen
by lynn steen
1. Take a walk around your neighborhood and figure out what will be the best route for strolls with the baby. Find areas with nice pavements and easy curbs. Go ahead and daydream. But do NOT buy a stroller for the dog.
2. Clean out your wardrobe to make room for the maternity stuff you’ll be buying soon. Try on anything you haven’t worn for six months. Yes, if you wish, you may put a pillow in your undies to see what will work as maternity wear. But taking a picture of yourself like that is going too far.
3. Start a journal. Write down everything you’re feeling. It will be a great opening chapter for your child’s baby book. If you can’t put your feelings into words, draw something; try to create a symbol that expresses the frustration you’re feeling. Don’t get that symbol tattooed on your ankle.
4. Plant a hope garden. Or a hope rosebush. Or a hope citrus tree. You want to grow something inside of you, well start by growing something outside of you. Nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. But do not send out birth announcements.
5. Get better at photography. Really learn how to work all the buttons and settings on your camera. Experiment! If you have a digital camera, get all the downloading and editing stuff worked out. You will be well prepared once you have a baby, and will be able to get some great shots and get them emailed to your family before the child’s graduation. Do not take photos of your cervical mucous, even if Toni Weschler begs you.
6. Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone – they are in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you’ve ever addressed. Yes that’s right, go ahead and talk to them. Put your hands on your stomach and tell them how much you respect them. Make your best argument in favor of a baby, and then let them decide. It’s out of your hands. Addressing the committee within earshot of normal people is not recommended.
7. Paint your toenails. Imagine how difficult this will be when you are pregnant. Go shopping for the perfect pink and blue nail polish in preparation for a celebration polish. Alternating colors on the day you find out you’re pregnant, or a single color for the day you find out the baby’s sex. Don’t be tempted to paint a cycle day countdown on your big toes.
8. Make a cup of herbal tea. It is a nice ritual: boiling the water, adding the tea leaves, pouring into a nice china cup, adding some milk or sugar, sipping peacefully. Ahhhh. There’s nothing that a nice cup of tea won’t help. Yeah right. Well it does kill a little bit of time.
9. Swim laps. Think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. Imagine that you are a sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO, GO, GO! Don’t wear a tail or anything. Just imagine it quietly.
10. Make lists. List all the people you will tell when you get pregnant, and in what order. List all the little jobs you need to get done instead of obsessing about this 2WW! List all the healthy activities you intend to do this week. List all the girl and boy names you like. Lists are helpful for all sorts of things, most of all for passing time rather than actually doing something.
11. Create a fertility dance. Choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine as a prayer to the universe for the growth of an embryo. Move your hips, rotate your belly, let your arms flow – but close the curtains.
12. Prepare a folic acid feast. Cream of broccoli soup as an entree, followed by spinach lasagne, enriched whole grain garlic bread and frozen orange juice sorbet for dessert. Dedicate the meal to your baby-to-be. Just don’t set a highchair at the table in his or her honor.
13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think, wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report to you if they had any “symptoms,” such as sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue… you will be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.
14. Write a list of 14 things to do during the Two-Week Wait and post it to the internet. For me, this killed nearly 3 hours. Now what? I’ve still got 9 days to go? Aaaarrgrhhhh.
--------------
MEA CULPAS:
*some women suffer from relentless fertility problems that make them hyper-vigilant when it comes to sperm meeting egg. i don't think this was written for them. the website i got it from did not suggest such a thing and so i'd prefer to think that my insensitivity is directed entirely towards the nutballs women and not the snagglewombed**
**that was not meant to be insensitive either. the word "snagglewombed" just popped into my head and i didn't know when i'd ever have another opportunity to use a word like "snagglewombed," so i took a chance.
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