new schedule, new effed up sleep patterns

being in the show proves to throw my sleeping into limbo, but i can tell that saturdays from here forward are going to be the death of me. the hardest thing about my job without clock-in is that i have to re-adjust to a new schedule every 8 weeks or so. i haven't found a way to do it yet without losing time, but i think i'm getting better.

it would appear that i am completely unqualified for any type of adult work that pays, so i've taken on a new nannying job that will have me entertaining 3-year-old twins wednesday through saturday. this is perfect because it gives me monday and tuesday to write & run errands that can prove hard to run when you have a 9-to-5 or 10-to-6 (the bank, in particular). saturdays, unfortunately, are the earliest and longest day. 8am to 6pm. if i don't go out, i get home from the theater around 2am. it takes me an unusually long time to fall asleep after running around onstage for several hours, doing a fast-paced hour-long show that starts at 11:30, and usually sends me home covered in a film of filthy goo. only miniscule helpings of this goo are visible to the naked eye--the rest i just feel seeping into my pores.

last saturday, i don't imagine i fell asleep until about 4. i don't toss and turn like that unless i am just too wound up to sleep which, it would appear, is most friday nights/saturday mornings. saturday was pretty rough. i arrived red eyed, having already chugged a huge traveler mug of coffee yet upon my arrival i eagerly accepted another cup. i made it till 2:30--when they napped--and i myself laid down on the couch for an hour of shut-eye which was helpful, yes, but i've not been back on schedule since. the last two days i've gotten up at about 10:30 and felt like a slug for sleeping that long.

granted, the heat of my "work day" often starts after 5 and goes until about 2am. at least five days a week right now i get home no earlier than about 11 and then do more work at home until about 2--usually reading or writing for something. i'd gotten to a point where i could kick myself into high gear and get up by about 8, forcing myself back into a regular habit, but that fell to the wayside after monday and i hate feeling like a lazy bum. it's really all about the time blocks with me, though, because yesterday i suited up and biked about 9 miles in the cold, babysat, went to bikram, went straight to a 3 hour workshop, answered email, began and made headway in another proposal, and read. which, time wise, equals about a workday minus the lunch break (that i know isn't really even part of the workday anymore) And even though i only made 20 bucks, i didn't spend any. And i'm up to $350 in my Pee-Wee fund, though. which is great. because it means i'll be able to pay myself back for the ticket, buy airfare, AND rent a car.

right now, i am still in my pajamas and finishing up an hours old cup of coffee. i've worked even more on the proposal and would say i've done the bulk of my day's creative work by now, just moving into the end of early afternoon. i am trying to remember that i have done things even though i am not wearing work clothes and still only half of my room is painted green.

i do have moments of clarity now and then, when i look up from my notebook for a minute to remember that--holy shit, i get paid to write and produce new work every week. two years ago i was PAYING to stay up until 4am to write PAPERS about stuff i didn't really care so much about at all. people were telling me how to be an artist and i was asking too many questions and getting too frustrated and being snide and cynical. now i get to just do what i want, and i find that deadlines are easier to manage when a professional reputation is on the line, one that is still in it's infancy but has to pretend like it's been at this for years. i feel like i can watch things or read them and know why they work or don't. i can identify bullshit pretty quickly even though i may choose to leave a little here and there in my own work--the point it i'm learning how to smell it. i don't feel like i'm doing things that much differently than when i was a student, only now i make my own assignments and no one tells me what they have to be or how long. i get to do whatever i want, in a space that i have 24/7 access to, for a company that gives me a paycheck.

no one gets paid to do that right out of school. i have no idea why i get to. i know i should be proud. i know i should wake up everyday and thank whatever and whoever made that happen for me, because if it didn't i can only imagine how unbearably miserable i would be. but i always find a way to forget what is good in my life, to piss on the things that are blessings.

and it's all only because i'm still in my pajamas and my parents still feel obligated to take too much care of me.

season 4 of 30 Rock premieres tonight. i'm going to my friend's house to for drink and hot dog.